My parents have stopped living their lives. Or at least my dad has. It’s pretty sad. I try not to complain so much about my life. But I guess this is probably going to be a rant.
There have been so many times where I thought things would just be better off if I had just decided to kill myself. Is that selfish? Yeah I guess. But the thought of not existing in the world where all my problems trouble me seems to make me feel more comfortable. We all have problems. Some people just deal with it differently than others. Obviously, I haven’t killed myself. The reason why I haven’t is because people tell me that life is worth it. It’s worth it to live life. It’s worth it to keep on struggling. It’s worth it.
My parents are from the Philippines. They moved here right around their 20s before they even knew each other. They wanted to get away from all the troubles in the homeland. They met each other, fell in love, got married, and had my brother and I. They did it. They made a better life for themselves and for their kids….but did they? Really? Yeah, my brother got married. Yeah he graduated from college. Yeah he has a stable job. And yeah I guess I might be on the way to something similar. But is that really what life is all about? Living so that you can go on to procreate and pass on a legacy?
What good is a legacy if you’re not happy.
My parents are stuck. They unhappy. My mom is. My dad is slowly going insane. He thinks that people are following him wherever he goes. He thinks that he is being watched in our house. He thinks that people break in to our house just to steal petty little shit. He thinks that we are being subjected to some sort of Homeland Security experiment. It’s making me fucking insane.
My mom does what she can sometimes. Most of the time she just avoids him. She just goes on with her everyday shitty life. And I love my mom. I do. But she deserves better than that.
So here we are. For over 40 years my parents have lived here in the United States, for over 50 years they have been alive. Conscious. But they’re not living. They don’t take chances anymore. All my mom does is go to work, come home, cook, sleep, wake up and repeat. My dad wakes up, eats breakfast, watches tv, plays the stock market, loses money, goes to the casino, loses money/breaks even/wins a minimal amount of money, comes back home, goes to sleep, and does it all over again.
There are bigger issues at hand in this world. But I just can’t stand the problem that I have here. I can’t move out bc I don’t have money. I have a job and I’m making money, but I can’t move out bc I need to make sure that my mom is going to be okay without me. That they’re going to be okay without since my brother just doesn’t really get involved in my family’s problems, at least not in the way that helps them. In other words, he listens to my mom cry and complain, but does nothing. I am the one who basks in the yelling, the crying, and worse - the silence.
And their shit is giving me shit. I can barely like my life. I’ve been trying to make changes to myself but it’s just not working. My dad is pathetic, and his refusal to do anything inspiring with his life rubs off on me and makes me pathetic. And as hard as I try to move on without him affecting me, I can’t help but feel like I need to reach out to him. I need to slap him, punch him, tie him up to a chair just to make him realize just how shitty everything is. He’s been unemployed for over 2 years, he complains about the amount of expenses we have, but he still hasn’t gotten himself a job. It’s stupid. There is no reasoning in him. And my mom can’t convince him to be better because she’s weak, and I understand why.
I’ve thought about killing myself so many times. I know it won’t make things better, and I know that it would break my mom’s heart. But it would send some sort of message. Because right now, no words have meaning in this family. And I don’t know if I’ll ever kill myself. Honestly, I don’t want to, but the fact that I think of it so often just makes me wonder. All I want is to have a family that is happy. A family that will actually live. A family that will do family shit, not just have endless repetitive days of nothingness. If life is so worth living, why won’t they live theirs.